I had a nightmare last night. I was confronted by a tsunami and soon witnessed how it devoured me and all my surroundings. I felt good. Yes, that’s exactly what I felt. It wasn’t because I was weary of life and all its unsightly qualities. On the contrary, it was the buoyant feeling of having lived a life free from ifs. There were, no doubt, many more dreams I hadn’t realized yet. I hadn’t brought a child to the world or taken care of baby orangutans. I hadn’t seen my script staged or traveled the world.
But as long as I had been alive, I’d made my decisions solely for myself. I had correctly specified my priorities, I had done things not because of the expectations of others around me, but because of my own desires. I had been lucky enough to realize the truth that I needed much less than I believed, and tasted the luxury of only continuing on the path of things that benefited me. In my relationships I had done and said all the things my heart (my true heart) yearned for. I had chosen the love that made my heart race. I had been able to impart the warm feeling of being loved to my friends and family who I value greatly. I had made an effort to free myself of yesterday’s settlements and tomorrow’s worries and done everything possible to enjoy the moment.
And so when those giant waves rose before me, instead of feeling the pain of fooling myself with those ‘one day I’ll do it,’ promises, I instead felt the indescribably lightness of being content with my choices. Of course if I had faced this calamity in real life my whole body would have been paralyzed by that inconceivable panic that humans feel when faced with death. But we all know that this isn’t actually the issue, don’t we?