Finding the One


Nowadays there’s an issue that was never quite prominent in the past centuries: Finding the right person in terms of romantic relationships. We turn into a kind of Gollum due to our search for this person, becoming stricken when we don’t find them. That one special person. It doesn’t suffice to list out their talents and qualities. They respect and value us. They are beautiful/handsome, smart, funny, kind, trustworthy, talented. They climb the ladder of success with a quickened pace. And they were made to become the mother/father of our children.

Not finding this man/woman is one problem, finding them is often a whole other problem. The more we’re unable to find them, the more we polish the attributes we associate with them, therefore turning a blind eye to the less polished candidates around us. If we do find them (or think we find them) we feel the obligation to settle into the middle of their lives. Plus now that ‘I,’ has turned into ‘we,’ it’s very much allowed to interrogate, advise, and fix those little issues we see in the other person. After all they exist alongside us, as he/she becomes us, and us becomes he/she. It’s imperative to contribute to each other’s image and move as a compatible whole.

Or is it? Do we enjoy having our most innate choices and actions criticized? Does it make one feel comfortable, happy, or free to be responsible for satisfying the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of another person? How many times can we play the ideal partner in a row, without becoming listless and falling outside the realms of our role?

No one can be, or give us, everything we want. Just like we cannot be or give all the things another person wants, no matter how much we love them. Instead of regretting this situation or thinking that the real issue lies in not having found the right person, it can be beneficial to minimalize our expectations.

We all have our idiosyncratic quirks and imperfections that can make it difficult to be with another person. Since we’re not perfect, it’s meaningless to expect the other to be flawless. Perhaps those relationships, where we make mistakes with all our distressing habits (together or separately) but are still open to listening, understanding, and compromising, don’t sound as fantastic as our dream union. But aren’t the relationships, which transform us, give our life meaning, and leave a trace, those that venture into the darkest depths of the soul, rather than the realm of hearts, balloons, and flowers?

If only the right person would equal the right relationship. Right or wrong, relationships are for at least two people.

Ege

 

Translated by Feride Yalav-Heckeroth

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